Does your Dad have a sense of humor? Help him out with these silly Dad jokes. Most Dad jokes are corny and punny but they can still make you laugh and we think these are the best dad jokes ever!
Every family has a few classic jokes they use over and over and over… Add one of these funny jokes to your list.
What is a dad joke?
A dad joke is typically a short joke that really isn’t very funny. They are told by middle-aged or older men. They are generally good clean jokes told by fathers to their family. While dad might trying to be truly funny often he is just as happy with an, “Oh, Dad!” response, or a teenage eyeroll and a “not funny-didn’t laugh!”
You don’t need to be asked–tell me a joke. Many dad jokes may be considered intentionally unfunny. An example dad joke might go, “I’m thirsty,” to which the dad will reply, “Hi, Thirsty, I’m Dad.”
1. What do call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face? …Too close for comfort food!
2. Why did the scarecrow win an award?… Because he was outfield.
3. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?… It was two tired!
4. I’ll call you later… Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
5. Why do melons have weddings?… Because of they cantaloupe!
6. When you see a cemetery …”Look we are in the dead center of town”.
7. You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?… European.
8. What’s brown and sticky? A Stick
9. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection… The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
10. So a vowel saves another vowel’s life…The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
11. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
12. Spring is here! I got so excited … … I wet my plants!
13. When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him… “No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”
14. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
15. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids… I’m a faux pa!
16. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
17. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you… … an iWitness?!
18. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?… He couldn’t see himself doing it!
19. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line… Only a fraction of people will understand this!
20. What’s the longest word in the dictionary?… Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
21. I can’t tell if I like my new blender… It keeps giving me mixed results.
22. I love having a short son… Because he is always willing to look up to me.
23. A horse walks into a bar… The bartender says “hey”… The horse replies “sure”
24. My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
25. What do you call a fish with no eyes? … A fsh.
26. A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food.”
27. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out. The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”
28. I’m reading a book about antigravity… It’s impossible to put down!
29. What do you call a cow that can cut the grass?… Mulan.
30. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!!
31. How did the dad make the tissue dance? He put a little boogie in it.
32. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
More Dad Jokes (Updated)
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
- How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
- What do you call someone with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows.
- Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Cause it got stuck in the crack
- Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
- What do you say to someone who is trying to steal your cheese? This is nacho cheese!
- Why did the invisible man reject the job? Because he couldn’t see himself doing it!
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
- What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea
- What would the terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
- Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind – it’s tearable.
- Why was the colour green notoriously single?I t was always so jaded.
- What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
- Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
- Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.
- I’ll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus … But graphing is where I draw the line.
- What does a house wear? Address.
- Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all its problems!
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
- Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
- Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
- What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.
- What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
- How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
- If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
- What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
- What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
- Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
- How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
- What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
- Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!
- Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
- What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
- Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.
- Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
- How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He had already felt his presents.
- What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner.
- What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!
- What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
- Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
- What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
- What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
- Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
- What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
- Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
- What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
- Why are piggy banks so wise? They’re filled with common cents.
- How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.
- How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.
- Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
- What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!
- How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
- Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
- What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
- What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.
- If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.
- Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
- What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
- How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
- Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
- What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
- What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.
- What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
- What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.
- Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
- What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
- My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
- What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.
- What’s the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.
- How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
- What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
- What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.
- I want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.
- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
- Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!
- You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.
- What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
- What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.
- How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?Bring out the doggy paddle.
- What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.
- What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
- What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
- Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.
- What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
- What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
- What do you call a pony with a sore throat ? A little horse.
- Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
- What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you!
- Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
- I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
- If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
- Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
- What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
- What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
- What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? Cool Ranch!
- I like telling Dad jokes…sometimes he laughs.
- What’s the most patriotic sport? Flag football.
- Why were spectators confused by the koala’s self-portrait? It was bear.
- Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.
- What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.
- What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?
- What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.
- Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
- What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.
- Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.
- What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.
- Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.
- Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.
- Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
- What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
- What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.
- What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? Let’s table this.
- How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
- What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? I’m a big fan.
- What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source? Mystery meat.
- Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm?H e was a s-moo-th talker.
- What’s a writer’s favorite train station? Penn Station.
- What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles? He’s got a chip on his shoulder.
- Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.
- What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.
- Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.
- What is Marco’s favorite clothing store? Polo.
- What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.
- What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.
- What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.
- Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.
- How was the handsome runner described? Dashing.
- What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.
- Why don’t phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.
- What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.
- Why couldn’t the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.
- What type of button can’t you buy at the store? A belly button.
- What did the sapphire’s best friend tell her? You’re a real gem.
- What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.
- What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
- What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
- Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!
- What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.I
- haven’t spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
- My kid gave me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.
- You can’t spell par entry without “try.”
- How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.
- What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.
- Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.
- I wish my kids weren’t offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I’m just a bit slow.
- I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
- Why does a husband lead a dog’s life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.
- How do moths swim? They do the butterfly stroke.
- Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
- When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.
- What does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!
- Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.
- Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
- What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
- I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
- How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
- hat state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
- Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
- What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.
- How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
- What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
- What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can’t talk!
- What rock group has four men who don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
- Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes, because the Empire State Building can’t jump!
- My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
- I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
- What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad? A faux pa.
- How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
- I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
- Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watchdogs.
- Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
- What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
- Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
- Do you know where the first french fries were made? In grease.
- What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
- Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
- What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
- What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
- Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
- What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”
- What do you call a snitching scientist? A lab rat.
- Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
Want some more laughs? Here are some more jokes to keep you rolling.
- Kids jokes (these actually are very funny!)
- Halloween Kid Jokes (perfect for lunchboxes)
- Easter Jokes
- April Fool’s Jokes for Kids
- Food Jokes (these funny jokes are on little cards so you can put in a lunch box)
- Would You Rather Questions (while these aren’t jokes…. they are always good for a laugh)
- Elf Jokes (printable cards are perfect if you have an elf on the shelf – they are funny even if you don’t)
- Knock Knock Jokes
- St Patrick’s Day Jokes
- Valentine’s Day Jokes
- Christmas jokes
- Laffy Taffy Jokes