Make Somebodys Day! Send Good Vibes. Everything you need over 50% OFF. Learn More
Share a giggle with these funny jokes! There are over 200 short jokes that will keep you and your friends chucklesnorting all day! Plus over 100 more of the funniest jokes for holidays and even new jokes for dad to tell!
We love funny jokes for kids! You will be able to keep friends and family laughing with this long list of the best jokes!
300 Funny Jokes
Have a good laugh over these clean jokes you can tell your friends and kids without getting in trouble! I hope they will think they are seriously funny jokes!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
- What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
- What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
- What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
- Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
- What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
- How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
- What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
- What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
- Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
- Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
- Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
- Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
- Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
- Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
- Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
- What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
- Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed!
- Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal.
- If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
- Why couldn’t the pony sing? Because she was a little hoarse.
- Where do cows go for entertainment? The mooooo-vies!
- What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
- How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
- Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, “Hello from the other side!
- What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.
- What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy? A Mars bar.
- Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.
- Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
- What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
- What’s the most musical part of the chicken? The drumstick.
34. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
35. How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat? When it’s full.
36. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
37. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
38. What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
39. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
40. Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
41. How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.
42. Why are ghosts good cheerleaders? Because they have a lot of spirit!
43. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
44. Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
45. Why did the school kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
46. Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the short cuts!
47. What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”
48. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
49. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
50. What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.
51. How do trees access the internet? They log in.
52. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
53. Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed.
54. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.
55. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
56. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”
57. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
58. Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? In case there is a salad dressing
59. When is a door not a door? When it is ajar
60. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
61. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
62. I sold my vacuum the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
63. What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
64. Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
65. What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
66. I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.
67. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
68. Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
69. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
70. Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
71. Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.
72. How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.
73. What does a house wear? Address!
74. The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is… Wait, where are we again?
75. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
76. Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold? The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
77. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
78. Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs.
79. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.
80. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
81. How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit? Approximately 1 GB.
82. What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.
83. What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
84. What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.
85. What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.
86. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
87. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.
88. What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!
89. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
90. What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
91. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
92. How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
93. Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
94. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
95. How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
96. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
97. What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
98. What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
99. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
100. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
101. Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
102. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
103. How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
104. What’s the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.
105. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
106. Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.
107. What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
108. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
109. What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs? Lack-Toast Intolerant.
110. Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? He wanted to live in the present.
111. What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation? The gravy train
112. Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.
113. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
114. Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there!
115. Why can’t Chuck Norris use the internet? Because he won’t submit.
116. What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot!
117. How does Lady Gaga like her steak? (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww
118. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Haloumi!
119. Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.
120. Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.
121. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
122. What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saw-us!
123. What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
124. What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
125. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrgh!
126. What don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.
127. What type of candy is always late? A chocolate.
128. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Ca-shew!
129. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
130. The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
131. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.
132. Which table fits in the fridge? VegeTABLE.
133. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
134. Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
135. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before? Déjà brew.
136. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
137. Are you a cheetah? No, you lion!
138. Which bus never drove on any street? The globus.
139. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!
140. How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke him on.
141. Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
142. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
143. What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
144. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
145. How did the blonde die ice fishing? She was hit by the zamboni.
146. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
147. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.
148. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
149. Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.
150. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
151. What do you call a space magician? A flying saucerer.
152. What is a computer’s first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
153. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
154. Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
155. What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
156. What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.
157. What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrr-ple.
158. What do Martians like to drink? Gravi-TEA.
159. What is an astronaut’s favorite meal of the day? Launch.
160. Why did the alien go to the doctor? He was looking a little green.
161. What did Venus say to Saturn? Give me a ring.
162. What do you call ticks in space? Luna-ticks.
163. What do planets sing in a choir? Nep-tunes.
164. What doesn’t get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean.
165. What is a gust of wind’s favorite color? Blew.
166. Where do happy lightning bolts live? Cloud nine.
167. What does a ghost wear to splash in puddles? BOOOOOOOts.
168. What’s an avocado’s favorite kind of music? Guac and roll!
169. Why did the dinosaur go to the doctor? He had an eye-saur.
170. How did the dinosaur build her house? With a dino-saw.
171. What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.
172. Why should you never ask a dinosaur to read a story if you are in a hurry? Their tales are too long.
173. What type of flower should you not give on Valentine’s Day? Cauli-flower.
174. What is an insect’s favorite sport? Cricket.
175. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
176. How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity!
177. When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.
178. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? In the piano!
179. Which superhero hits home runs? Batman!
180. What fruit do twins love? Pears!
181. Who eats snails? People who don’t like fast food!
182. What is the strongest animal in the sea? Mussels!
183. What kind of chicken is the funniest? A comedi-hen!
184. What does a triceratops sit on? Its tricera-bottom!
185. What kind of pizza do dogs eat? Pup-eroni pizza!
186. What do you call a famous turtle? A shell-ebrity!
187. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? Chocolate Chimp!
188. Why do hurricanes wear a monocle to see? Because they have one eye!
189. What did the clock ask the watch? Hour you doing?
190. What’s the most famous fish? A starfish!
191. What kind of fish loves going to battle? A swordfish!
192. Where do birds invest their money? The stork-market!
193. What’s a pirate’s favorite county? Arrrrgh-entina!
194. What do newborn kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
195. Which holiday do cows enjoy most? Moo-Year’s Day!
196. What do cheerleaders eat for breakfast? Cheerios!
197. How do ice hockey players stay cool? They sit next to the fans!
198. Why did the piano teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes!
199. What kind of fishing bait do librarians use? Book-worms!
200. Which state is the smartest? Alabama—it has four As and one B!
201. What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Flood-lights!
202. What is the center of gravity? The letter V!
203. What breaks when you speak? Silence!
204. Why do you go to bed at night? Because the bed won’t go to you!
205. Which month do trees dislike? Sep-timber!
206. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
207. Why did the clown always choose the red balloon? Because they were pop-ular.
208. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was de-Brie everywhere.
209. How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.
210. A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. The big moron fell off. Do you know why the other one didn’t? Because he was a little more on.
211. Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.
212. What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.
213. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
214. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
215. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
216. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
217. Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.
218. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
219. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
220. How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
221. Why did the manager bring a pencil and paper to the match? They were hoping for a draw!
222. What did Dory order from McDonald’s? The Big MacKerel!
223. When should you take a plum to dinner? If you can’t find a date!
224. What do you call a wrestler who always comes in second place? The Penultimate Warrior!
225. Why couldn’t Captain America find Thor’s brother? He was Low-key!
226. What do skateboarders do when they’re really talented? They GoPro!
227. Where does a spy go to the toilet? A gents!
228. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
229. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
230. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
231. What are a shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!
232. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!
233. Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice!
234. What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.
235. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
236. When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.
237. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
238. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.
239. What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.
240. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
241. What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
242. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
243. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
244. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
245. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
246. What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the doc already.
247. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
248. What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.
249. Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle.
250. Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.
251. What does corn say when you give it a compliment? Aw shucks!
252. Why were the fish’s grades so bad? It was below sea level.
253. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
254. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
255. What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
256. Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.
257. What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night.
258. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
259. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
260. How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
261. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
262. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
263. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
264. What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”
265. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
266. What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.
267. What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
268. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
269. Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
270. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.
271. Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.
272. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
273. How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
274. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.
275. Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? It needed help figuring out its problems.
276. Why can’t male ants sink? They’re buoy-ant.
277. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
278. Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!
279. What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
280. What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree? A facepalm.
281. A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant. The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”
282. How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
283. What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells!
284. Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party? Because it’s so cool.
285. What did the grape say to the silly peanut butter? You’re nuts!
286. When do you need to climb the ladder? To get to High School.
287. Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? It lost its contacts.
288. People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. It’s your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about – it’s been collecting dirt on you for years.
289. What does a baby computer call its father? Data!
290. What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? Don’t look, I’m changing.
291. Why did the Football Coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
292. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
293. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Statin Island.
294. What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hey, bud!
295. Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!
296. What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
297. What does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
298. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
299. Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
300. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear…
A Few Math Jokes
- Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
- Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
- Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
- Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
- What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
- How do you stay warm in any room?
Sit in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
- Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
- Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.
- Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.
Funny Short Jokes To Make You Laugh
You won’t miss an opportunity to make someone laugh with these corny good jokes. They are short and easy to remember. Keep them handy for dinnertime, carpool, and parties.
- Why did the bee get married? He found his honey.
- Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it!
- I’m really good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
- Why can’t a bicycle stand on it’s own? It is two tired.
- What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
- What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? An iwitness.
- What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar.
- What is brown and sticky? A stick
- Can February March? No but April May
Funny Knock Knock Jokes For Kids
Sometimes I wonder why but kids love knock-knock jokes. Maybe it is because they are the easiest funny jokes to tell friends.
30 Dad Jokes
Funny dad jokes that will make anyone laugh. Well except the kids, right? They are worth a good eye roll from them! Remember though if you tell these jokes when you don’t have kids it is a faux pa …hahahah.
100 Laffy Taffy Jokes
We love laffy taffy jokes! You know that candy that has a funny joke printed on each wrapper. Always be ready to make someone laugh with these
These food jokes are on little cards so you can put them in a lunch box. Print them off for free!
- Halloween Kid Jokes – Perfect for lunch boxes, print these for free!
- Christmas jokes – Another set of hilarious jokes to print.
- Elf Jokes – Printable cards are perfect if you have an elf on the shelf – they are funny even if you don’t)
- St Patrick’s Day Jokes
- Easter Jokes
- April Fool’s Jokes for Kids
- Valentine’s Day Jokes – printable knock knock jokes on cards to tuck into backpacks, pockets and lunch boxes.
Don’t’ worry these funny jokes deliver and make great jokes for adults too! No anti-jokes here to leave you wondering why they were funny. Do you know a funny joke? Please share in the comments. We would love to have another good laugh. This is one of our favorite joke books.
Don’t forget Would You Rather Questions (while these aren’t jokes)…. they are always good for a laugh! We especially love would you rather questions at dinnertime. We find we learn so much about each other.