Harry Potter Jokes

Are you looking for some good laughs while enjoying your favorite books, movies, and characters? Look no further! We have compiled an amazing list of magical jokes inspired by the wonderful world of Hogwarts.

Where can you find Dumbledore’s Army? Up his sleeve-y!
Are you a Dementor? You just took my breath away.
Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses? Nobody nose.
What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth? A mechanic.
How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash? With quit-itch.
How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron? Just one.She puts her wand in and the cauldron revolves around her.
Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor? Because he can’t control his pupils.
Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook? Because he only has followers, not friends.
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord? A Volt-demort.
What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm? Broom-mates.
What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks? Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Do you like Harry Potter? Because I a-Dumbledore you!
Why did Severus Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Why was Harry Potter sent to the office? Because he was cursing in class.
Why does Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
What do you call a postal carrier who can speak to packages? A parcel tongue.
Hows does Voldemort enter a room? He slithers in.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron. Ron Weasely fans will double over laughing over this Harry Potter pun.
What did the comedian say to Harry Potter? Why so Sirius?
What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children? Orange Is the New Black.
Which side of a centaur has more hair? The outside.
How do Death Eaters freshen their breath? With Dementos.
How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb. One to rotate the room.
Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much? Because she gives him hugs and hisses.
What do you call the entrance to a magical gym? A dumbbell door.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking? Because it was making him Moody.
Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls? Because he has a Longbottom.
How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favorite sport? A quid each.
What did Hermione do when Harry and Ron took the flying car to school? Finally relaxed.
Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice? Because he’s a double-crosser.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president? Because they didn’t want to elect Ron.
Why is herbology Slytherin students’ favorite class? Because it’s in the greenhouse.
How do you get a mythical creature into your house? Through the Gryffindor. This Harry Potter pun will make any Slytherin smile.
On a scale of one to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I? Nine and three quarters.
How does Harry Potter enter a door? Through the Gryffin-door.
How do the Malfoys enter a building? They Slytherin.
How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. He holds it and the world revolves around him.
What do you call a Hufflepuff with two brain cells? Pregnant.
How many Muggles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. It is the only thing they are good for.
How many Purebloods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What’s a lightbulb?
Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
What is Aragogo’s favorite day of the week? Flyday!
Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol-man.
What is bigfoot’s favorite book? Hairy Potter.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. J/K, rolling.
Why was Harry Potter sent to Dumbledore’s office? He was cursing in class.
What do Azkaban prisoners use to freshen their breath? Dementos!
What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives? Expellianus
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions? They were past their hexpiration date!
What’s a wizard’s favourite kind of cereal? Huffle Puffs.
What does a wizard say when he gets robbed by a muggle? Somebody muggled me!
Why doesn’t snape teach herbology? Because his lily died.
Do you know anyone who could teach me to play Quiddich? I’m sure Oliver Wood.
What social media channel does Voldemort use? Instagram, because he wants more followers!
How does Harry’s monthly grocery basket take next to no time when ordering online? Prior-In-Cart-Item.
What language does the postman use when delivering to Hogwarts? Parceltongue!
What did The Dark Lord envy from Harry? His nose!
Why is herbology Slytherin students’ favorite class? Because it’s in the greenhouse.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his potion pot? They’re both cauldron!
What would Harry Potter be if he didn’t when to Hogwarts? A python programmer.
How do you know if someone is a pureblood? Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you.
What program do you use to edit your photos? A Dobby Photoshop.
Why did Harry Potter cross the road? No reason. But we’re sure someone will still write fan-fiction about it.
What type of shoes does Voldemort wear? Horcrocs!
What’s the biggest problem in Hogwarts School? Spelling errors
What is bigfoot’s favorite book? Hairy Potter.
Why didn’t Draco become friends with Harry? Because he was running out of breath while saying Harry’s last name.
Where would Bellatrix play if she played the saxophone? Jazzkaban.
Why was Sirius banned from Hogwarts? For black magic
What do you call a Potterhead on a horse? Harry Trotter.
Why didn’t Lord Voldemort use perfume? Because he couldn’t smell it!
Why was Voldemort trying to listen to the Order of Phoenix meetings? He was nosy!
Why is studying at Hogwarts confusing? Students aren’t sure witch-craft to choose.
How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale? Weasley twins are 50 percent off.
What do Lord Voldemort and a teenage girl have in common? A diary!
Why do Gryffindors exercise? All those Gryffindorphins.
What mints does Hogwarts promote? Enchant mints
What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon? Thanks for the gold kind, Granger.
What is a wizard’s favorite drink? Espresso Patronum
What do you call multiple potions teachers? Several Snapes!
Why doesn’t Hogwarts promote externships? They don’t have de-mentors.
If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named? Hermitwo and Hermithree.
How do they call thugs in Hogwarts? Swagrid
How does the head of Gryffindor see when swimming? She uses McGonagoggles.
Why do students avoid McGonagall in the hallway? She’s catty.
Why doesn’t Hermione keep her money at Gringotts? Offshore investment gains a better return.
Why is there always an empty cloth hanger? That’s where I keep my invisibility cloak!
Why did Barty Crouch stop drinking Butterbeer? It made him Moody.
What do you call first-class mail at Hogwarts? The Hogwarts express
Why does Ron love his pet rat so much? It’s the pet-he-grew up with! (Get it? Pettigrew!)
Why did Hermione fall in love with Ron? Because he loved grangerous adventures!
What did one Gryffindor say to another? I Gryffin-adore you!
Why did Ron lose the election? People thought his elect-Ron campaign was too negative.
What did Hermione tell Ron when he got home for Christmas? Ron voyage!
How does HP get rid of a rash? With quit-itch.
What do you call the center of the orange in Hogwarts? The Neville of the orange
Why couldn’t Harry find Hermione? He was looking in all the Ron places.
What social media channel did Slytherins use? Snapechat!
Why did Harry Potter get stopped for speeding? Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol man.
Why did Dumbledore’s phoenix not speak? He had a Fawkes tongue.
What’s Harry Potter’s motto? Neville, give up!
Ron lives a long, happy life and then dies. What does he reincarnate as? A neuron.
What does Harry say when he is angry? Godric dammit!
Why do you never see dementors in Starbucks? They can’t stand espresso patronum!
How do you call Bellatrix’s mood? A resting witch face!
Why doesn’t a wizard get lost? They are a wand-erer.
What do witches say when they are rumoring? Spell the tea!
What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant? One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.
What did Dobby say to Harry Potter during the pandemic? Harry Potter can’t go to Hogwarts this year because the classes will be held online!
Why was Harry Potter in trouble at school? Because he made fun of someone on Snape Chat.
How does an electrician free Dobby? With a shock!
What’d they say when Harry got the snitch? He’s a keeper.
You don’t like Harry Potter jokes? There’s something Ron with you!
In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws them out. What does he say? You’re a blizzard, Harry!
Why did it take Harry so long to find all Horcurxes? Because he was looking in all the Ron places.
What do you call the common cold when Ron Weasley gets it? A ginger ail.
What kind of shoes does Harry Potter hate the most? Horcors!
Why do wizards lock their doors at night? They’re afraid to get muggled.
Why is Fred not going into the Chamber of Secrets? He’s a-Fred!
Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer? Because he spoke python.
Why was everyone avoiding Hermione? She was Grangerous.
What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar? Something Gin-ey
Why are wizards afraid to eat the pies? They are portkey pies.
Why did Voldemort change his name? Because it was a Riddle!
Why does George need a nap? He had bread and butterbeer.
What happens when Harry Potter says accidental? Someone loses a tooth.
Why were the books so huge in Hogwarts? Because spells come in all Snapes and sizes.
What did Percy say when he saw the dirty swimming pool? Penelope, Clearwater!
What was the catchphrase Harry told to Ginny? You really stupify me!
What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell? Gifted.
Why is Hermione so mature? Because she doesn’t jump to Ron conclusions!
Which Hogwarts professor makes the best wine? Severus Grape.
Where do Hogwarts students celebrate their wins? Diagon Rallies.
Which Hogwarts teacher gets the blame? Professor Snape-Goat.
What kind of laugh does Newt Scamander make? A bowchuckle.
Why was Ron shown the Dumbledore? He kept making terrible Potterpuns.
What did the house-elf say when he came from college? Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.
What is a Hufflepuff’s favorite song lyric? Every day we hufflin’!
Why was everyone avoiding Hermione? She was Grangerous.
What do you call a house-elf in a hotel? A Dobby in a lobby.
Why did Ron ask Hagrid for an autograph? Because he is a giant fan!
What do Hogwarts students give their dogs to change their coat colour? Collie-juice potion.
What did Ron say when he kissed Hermione? Your parents may be muggles, but that kiss was magical!
What do you say when someone offers you an Espresso Patronum? Of curse you can’t refuse it!
How do Hogwarts students go on field trips? They take the Albus!
What does Hermione say to Ron when they plan to go out? Don’t worry, owl be there.
What do you call a hedgehog skateboarding in Hogwarts? Knarl-y.
Why was Harry hesitant to fight Voldemort? There are Severus factors to consider.
What do you call someone who is half transfigured into a cat? Purr-people.
What does Molly say to her children? Don’t be a-Fred in school!
Did you hear that were going to make an entire book about Harry Potter’s godfather? They ended up axing it, they thought it would be too Sirius!
What type of music does Hagrid like? Hinky-punk.
Why were the Durselys overweight? They had to many milk Dudleys.

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