Hilarious Jokes

Laughter is the best medicine, and nothing brings people together quite like a good joke. Everyone loves to hear a funny quip or zinger, so here’s a list of hilarious jokes sure to bring some joy! Grab a cup of coffee and get ready to laugh! Enjoy!

1. I invented a new word: Plagiarism!
2. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
3. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the “no-bell” prize.
4. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
5. What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics!
6. What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
7. What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!
8. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean meat!
9. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
10. Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
11. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
12. When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.
13. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
14. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!
15. What animal needs to wear a wig? A bald eagle!
16. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
17. Why do we tell actors to “break a leg? ”Because every play has a cast.
18. What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
19. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
20. Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
21. Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!
22. How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
23. Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen reigned there for decades.
24. Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree!
25. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
26. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!
27. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
28. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
29. You know there’s no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
30. Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
31. Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
33. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
34. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
35. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” whack.
36. How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
37. What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
38. Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken’s foot!
39. Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
40. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
41. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
42. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
43. Why are elephants so wrinkled? Because they take too long to iron!
44. When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke? When it becomes apparent.
45. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
46. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For drizzle.
47. Why did the elephant paint himself different colors? So he could hide in the crayon box!
48. Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.
49. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
50. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
51. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
52. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator.
53. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? By the footprints in the butter!
54. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants
55. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
56. What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
57. How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
58. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
59. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? “Here come the elephants!”
60. How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.
61. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
62. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
63. What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
64. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot.
65. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming? “Here come the grapes!” (She was colorblind.)
66. Where does a waitress with only one leg work? IHOP.
67. I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, “Why did the chicken cross the road? “It was a running joke.
68. Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
69. Why don’t dinosaurs talk? Because they’re dead.
70. What can you catch but not throw? A cold!
71. What does a house wear? Address!
72. How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
73. What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
74. What did the mime say to his audience? Nothing. He held his character because he’s a professional.
75. What do you call a dog that can tell time? A watch dog!
76. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush
77. Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
78. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
79. What falls in winter but never gets hurt? The snow!
80. Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
81. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrgh!
82. How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
83. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
84. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
85. Why were they called the “dark ages?” Because there were a lot of knights.
86. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
87. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
88. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
89. What do you call a flower that runs on electricity? A power plant!
90. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
91. Why couldn’t the pony sing in the choir? Because she was a little horse!
92. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
93. Why did the cookie go to the nurse? Because he felt crummy!
94. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
95. What kind of room doesn’t have doors? A mushroom!
96. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
97. What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
98. What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs!
99. Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications.
100. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
101. How much space will free up in the EU after Brexit? Approximately one GB.
102. How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
103. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
104. Which hand is better to write with? Neither. It’s better to write with a pencil!
105. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
106. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
107. What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
108. Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was deadlifting.
109. What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear.
110. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
111. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
112. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
113. What happened to the ice cream when the ice cream truck broke down? It was liquidated.
114. Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed.
115. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
116. What did the traffic light say to the truck? Don’t look! I’m changing!
117. What does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
118. Why did McDonalds go to the race? Because it was fast food
119. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
120. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
121. What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
122. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
123. What does a baby computer call its daddy? Data
124. What has a ton of ears but can’t hear a thing? A corn field.
125. Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs.
126. Why won’t peanut butter tell you a secret? He’s afraid you’ll spread it!
127. What makes a sick lemon feel better? Lemon-aid!
128. How does Spiderman do research? On the World Wide Web!
129. What’s the largest gem on earth? A baseball diamond!
130. What do you get if you dip a cat in chocolate? A Kitty-Kat Bar!
131. What food is never on time? Choco-late!
132. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? Chocolate Chimp!
133. Why do hurricanes wear a monocle to see? Because they have one eye!
134. What did the clock ask the watch? Hour you doing?
135. Why are fish so intelligent? Because they live in schools!
136. What kind of fish loves going to battle? A swordfish!
137. Where do birds invest their money? The stork-market!
138. What nut has the most money? A cashew!
139. What do you call a cow who plays the trumpet? A moo-sician!
140. What’s a pirate’s favorite county? Arrrrgh-entina!
141. What’s in the recipe for gold soup? Fourteen carrots!
142. Name Spiderman’s favorite month? Web-ruary!Web-ruary!

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