We all need a good laugh from time to time. A great way to do this is by telling jokes! With that in mind, we’ve compiled a long and varied list of the funniest jokes around for you to share with your friends and family. Whether you’re looking for something silly or something sarcastic, there’s something here for everyone to enjoy. So pull up a chair, grab a glass of your favorite beverage, and get ready to hear some of the best jokes around! Enjoy!

  1. What would bears be without bees? Ears.
  2. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
  3. How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
  4. How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
  5. What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
  6. What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!
  7. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  8. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.
  9. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent
  10. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
  11. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  12. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
  13. What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
  14. What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
  15. Why do we tell actors to “break a leg? ”Because every play has a cast.
  16. Where would you find an elephant? The same place you lost her.
  17. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
  18. How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night.
  19. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain.
  20. Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
  21. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  22. What is a computer’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
  23. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
  24. Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
  25. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
  26. How do you talk to a giant? Use big words.
  27. What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!
  28. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
  29. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  30. Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
  31. A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?”
  32. How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
  33. What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
  34. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  35. Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? Because it had more cents.
  36. What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every day.
  37. What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
  38. How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
  39. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it’s never right.
  40. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  41. What do you call guys who love math? Algebros.
  42. What does a spy do when he is cold? He goes undercover.
  43. What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
  44. Why was the fraction nervous about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.
  45. When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.
  46. How does Moses make tea? He brews.
  47. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you count Dracula.
  48. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
  49. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
  50. Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby? She was a little horse.
  51. How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
  52. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
  53. What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon.
  54. What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.
  55. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  56. Why don’t elephants chew gum? They do, just not in public.
  57. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  58. Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.
  59. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
  60. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
  61. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  62. How do you fit more pigs on a farm? Build a sty-scraper.
  63. What goes up and down but doesn’t move? Stairs.
  64. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
  65. What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk? An udder failure.
  66. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
  67. What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
  68. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
  69. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
  70. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
  71. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
  72. What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired? Oh snap.
  73. What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”
  74. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.
  75. Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants.
  76. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
  77. How did the pirate get his flag so cheaply? He bought it on sail.
  78. Where does the general put his armies? In his sleevies.
  79. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
  80. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear.
  81. What do you call a magician that looses his magic? Ian.
  82. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  83. Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.
  84. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  85. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  86. How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they arrr.
  87. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
  88. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  89. What is a cat’s favorite color? Purrr-ple.
  90. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
  91. What song does a cat like best? Three Blind Mice.
  92. Why did the kid stock up on yeast? He wanted to make some dough.
  93. What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
  94. Where did the school kittens go for their field trip? To the mew-seum.
  95. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
  96. What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny.
  97. What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit.
  98. Why are elephants wrinkly? Because you can’t iron them.
  99. What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.
  100. Why are cats good at video games? Because they have nine lives.
  101. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
  102. What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
  103. What did the cat say when he fell off the table? “Me-ow.”
  104. How did the two cats end their fight? They hissed and made up.
  105. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
  106. What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you? One is a cat copy; the other is a copy cat.
  107. Why did the strawberry cry? He found himself in a jam.
  108. Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.
  109. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.
  110. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  111. Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll
  112. What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
  113. What kind of shoes do robbers wear? Sneakers.
  114. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  115. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I’m changing!
  116. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
  117. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
  118. Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
  119. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
  120. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
  121. Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
  122. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.
  123. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
  124. Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
  125. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
  126. How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
  127. What do you call a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
  128. Can February March? No, but April May!
  129. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
  130. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish!
  131. Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because her mom and dad were in a jam.
  132. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
  133. What’s the difference between a hot potato and a pork chop on the floor? One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.
  134. What did the papa tomato say to the baby tomato? Hurry and Ketchup!
  135. Why did the french fry win the race? Because it was fast food!
  136. Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? To them, “Love” means nothing.
  137. What award did the dentist win? A little plaque.
  138. Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  139. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
  140. How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
  141. Why is no one friends with Dracula? He’s a pain in the neck.
  142. Where do you learn all about ice cream? Sundae school.
  143. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality!
  144. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
  145. Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counsellor? It needed help figuring out its problems.
  146. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
  147. Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.
  148. How do trees get online? They just log on!
  149. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
  150. Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.
  151. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke? It’ll crack up.
  152. Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
  153. How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
  154. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.
  155. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
  156. What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us.
  157. Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
  158. Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
  159. Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
  160. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
  161. What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad? A faux pa.
  162. Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words!
  163. Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
  164. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.
  165. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
  166. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
  167. Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
  168. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.
  169. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
  170. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A funny bunny.
  171. Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
  172. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
  173. How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
  174. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
  175. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  176. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
  177. Why did the M&M go to school? It wanted to be a Smartie.
  178. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
  179. What did one colored egg say to the other? Heard any good yolks lately?
  180. What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
  181. What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.
  182. Where does the sheep get his hair cut? The baa baa shop!
  183. What do you call a bunny who isn’t smart? A hare brain.
  184. Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
  185. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  186. Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt? It’s a big waist of space.
  187. Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
  188. What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag? Imma cashew!
  189. What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me.
  190. Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.
  191. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
  192. Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day.
  193. What are shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!
  194. Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  195. How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer.
  196. How do poets say hello? Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
  197. How does the Easter bunny stay in shape? Lots of eggs-ercise.
  198. Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
  199. Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
  200. Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
  201. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.
  202. Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
  203. What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
  204. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
  205. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

Thousands More Jokes For Any Occasion

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