Best Jokes

Whether you’re looking for an icebreaker to get the conversation started or a great way to lift someone’s spirits, laughter is one of the best cures for life’s little woes. If you’re in need of some good-natured humor and witty quips, this post features an exhaustive list of the best jokes around!

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
Why do melons have weddings? They cantaloupe.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed.
What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.
There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?” The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satis-factory.
How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.
How do you make an egg-roll? You push it!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why couldn’t the sailor learn his alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
What do you think of that new diner on the moon? Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.
What would bears be without bees? Ears.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You’re under a vest.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Then it’d be a foot.
Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical!
Why is the grass so dangerous? It’s full of blades.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep? He puts his PJ-Amazon!
Where was King David’s temple located? Beside his ear.
When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It lifts their spirits.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested? They gave him a tough sentence!
What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts
What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
What did the mama cow say to the calf? It’s pasture bedtime!
How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.
Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern!
What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
How do snails fight? They slug it out.
How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad!
How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words!
What building in your town has the most stories? The public library.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
How do you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin.
How do you get a country girl’s attention? A-tractor.
What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What is a computer’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every day.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant!
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why was the fish’s grades bad? They were below sea level.
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish? An oyster bunny!
What is a tornado’s favorite game to play? Twister.
Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? Because he’s always lion.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
Why did the pony get sent to his room? He wouldn’t stop horsing around!
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
Where do cows go on Friday nights? They go to the moo-vies!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted!
Why do candles always go on the top of cakes? Because it’s hard to light them from the bottom.
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blue berry!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody Knows.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
What do frogs order at fast-food restaurants? French flies!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
What do cakes and baseball teams have in common? They both need a good batter.
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunder pants!
What do you call a factory that sells good products? A satisfactory.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine? A slowpoke!
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.
Why did the girl put her cake in the freezer? She wanted to ice it.
What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.
What’s the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.
What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink one? No, they both burn shorter.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
What fish only swims at night? Starfish!
Why did the little girl hit her birthday cake with a hammer? It was a pound cake.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts? He doesn’t want to be spotted.
What’s black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.
What does a triceratops sit on? Its tricera-bottom!
Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? Because it had more cents.
What’s small and red and has a rough voice? A hoarse raddish!
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What do you get when you cross a cactus and a pig? A porky pine.
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What kind of shoes do burglars wear? Sneakers.
What did the traffic light say to the car? Look away, I’m about to change!
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
Why did the teddy bear not ask for dessert? Because he was already so stuffed!
Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
If a math teacher had four apples in one hand and five apples in the other hand, what would they have altogether? Really big hands!
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket!
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
What do horses say when they fall? “I can’t giddy up.”
What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
What’s black and white and read all over? A newspaper!
How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? Only one because after that, it’s not empty.
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!
What’s black and white and red all over? A sunburned zebra!
When does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!
What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night.
Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!
What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards? A receding hare-line!
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish!
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was fine—he woke up.
What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
What do you get when a cow jumps in cold water? Utter udder shudder.

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