Clean Jokes

Do you need a good laugh? You’ve come to the right place! Here, we have compiled an extensive list of clean jokes that are sure to make even the grumpiest of people crack a smile. Get ready to chuckle, because you’re in for a treat! Keep reading to get your daily dose of humor.

1. Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it’s a little meteor
2. A bear walks into a restaurant and says, “I want a grilled… cheese.” The waiter says “Why the big pause? ”The bear replies, “I don’t know. I was born with them.”
3. Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
4. What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!
5. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
6. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
7. Want to hear a roof joke? The first one’s on the house.
8. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
9. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
10. What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics!
11. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!
12. What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
13. Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
14. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
15. What should you do if you’re attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
16. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.
17. What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
18. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
19. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
20. What happens if life gives you melons? You’re dyslexic.
21. Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn’t like it when she went the extra mile.
22. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was “out standing” in his field.
23. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!
24. What do call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese
25. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
26. What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
27. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
28. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
29. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
30. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
31. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications.
32. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
33. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
34. Where do pencils go for vacation? Pencil-vania
35. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
36. What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course.
37. Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.
38. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court.
39. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
40. How do mountains stay warm in the winter? Snowcaps.
41. Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
42. Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!
43. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!!!!!!
44. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor
45. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
46. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks? A roamin’ Catholic.
47. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
48. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
49. Why do ducks make great police officers? Because they always quack the case.
50. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
51. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants.
52. Can February March? No, but April May.
53. What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something!
54. Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
55. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
56. What bow can’t be tied? A rainbow.
57. What building in New York has the most stories? The public library.
58. How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.
59. Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
60. Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
61. What’s the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.
62. Where does a waitress with only one leg work? IHOP.
63. What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
64. How does NASA organize a party? They planet
65. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? They’re both red except for the green one.
66. What’s a balloon’s least favorite type of music? Pop.
67. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was going to be a piece of cake.
68. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
69. Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves? A Panda
70. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
71. What does a house wear? Address!
72. Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
73. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
74. What did one eye say to the other eye? Don’t look now, but something between us smells.
75. What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.
76. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush
77. How does a farmer mend his overalls? With cabbage patches.
78. Why was the picture sent to jail? Because it was framed!
79. What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator
80. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
81. Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.
82. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
83. What do you call an old snowman? Water
84. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
85. What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi bud!
86. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
87. How do hens cheer for their team? They egg them on!
88. Why did the superhero flush the toilet? Because it was his doody
89. How did the blonde die ice fishing? She was hit by the zamboni.
90. Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he’s a pain in the neck.
91. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music? ’The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
92. Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a Fun-Guy.
93. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I’m changing!
94. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
95. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
96. Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
97. What’s a pirates favorite letter? you think it’s R but it be the C.
98. What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
99. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
100. Why should you never tell a pig your secret? Because it is sure to squeal.
101. What type of haircuts do bees get? Buzz cuts!
102. What type of tree can you hold in one hand? A Palm Tree!
103. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
104. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
105. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
106. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles
107. Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
108. A group of crows was arrested for hanging out together. The charge? Attempted murder.
109. What time does a duck wake up? The quack of dawn.
110. Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.
111. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!
112. What is the skeleton’s favorite instrument? The trombone!
113. Why would you smear peanut butter on a road? To go with the traffic jam!
114. What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Mice Cream!
115. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple ?Finding half a worm!
116. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!
117. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
118. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.
119. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
120. Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications.
121. What cartoon mouse walks on two feet? Mickey Mouse
122. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
123. What did the frustrated cat say? “Are you kitten me right meow?”
124. What did the thumb say to the finger? I’m in Glove with you!
125. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weakdays!
126. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve
127. Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house.
128. How much teddy bears never want to eat anything? Because they’re always stuffed.
129. Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
130. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
131. What do you call an alligator in a vest? In Investigator!
132. What do you get someone who already has everything? A burglar alarm!
133. Why don’t you ever see giraffes in elementary school? They are all in High School!
134. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
135. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
136. Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.
137. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
138. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
139. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
140. Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold? The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
141. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
142. Why do spiders make such great baseball players? Because they catch flies.
143. What is tall when it is young but short when it is old? A candle!
144. Have you seen the movie “Constipated”? No, it hasn’t come out yet!
145. What do you get if you combine a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!
146. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t peak, I’m changing!
147. Why are crabs so bad at sharing? Because they’re all shellfish.
148. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
149. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button.
150. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
151. What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
152. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, man! Breathe!
153. What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
154. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
155. I started a new job as a tailor last week.It’s been sew-sew.
156. What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
157. What kind of shoes does a spy wear? Sneakers.
158. Why did the math book need to see a counselor? Because it was full of problems!
159. Why was the guy looking for fast food ON his friend? Because his friend said dinner is ON me.
160. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
161. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
162. What do prisoners use to call each other? CELL phones.
163. What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.
164. What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey
165. Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
166. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam.
167. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
168. What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
169. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? Flood lights!
170. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
171. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
172. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
173. How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato paste.
174. Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
175. What does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque.
176. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
177. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

Thousands More Jokes For Any Occasion

• Funny Jokes
• Jokes For Kids
• Laffy Taffy Jokes
• Food Jokes
• Nut Jokes
• Dog Jokes
• Cow Jokes
• Chuck Norris Jokes
• Chemistry Jokes
• Science Jokes
• Mom Jokes
• Dad Jokes
• Birthday Jokes
• Water Jokes
• Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids