Football Jokes

If you love football and want to bring a laugh to your friends, then you’re in the right place! We’ve scoured the internet for the funniest football jokes and compiled them into one long list. So get ready to laugh and scroll on down for some of the best football jokes around!

1. Why was the world’s best footballer always asked to tidy up their room? Because they were Messi!
2. What do you call 20 Vikings fans in the basement? A Whine Cellar.
3. What did the receiver say to the football? Catch you later.
4. What was the result of the joke that Carson Wentz told his receivers? It went over their heads.
5. What does a West Ham United fan do after winning the Premier League? Turn off the Xbox.
6. What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
7. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
8. What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
9. Which footballer makes the best coffee? Diego Costa!
10. Why was Cinderella such a poor football player? Her coach was a pumpkin.
11. How can you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard? By putting up a goal post.
12. What is the best way to protect your house from terrible football? A Guard-iola dog!
13. Why was the footballer upset on their birthday? They got a red card!
14. What do football players wear on Halloween? Face masks!
15. What’s the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
16. Who was the horse’s favourite footballer? NEIGH-mar!
17. Atlanta Falcons and possums have what in common? They both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
18. How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once? About a Brazilian…
19. Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
20. Which two football teams played in the Pirate Super Bowl? The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.
21. What happened to the joke that Carson Wentz told his receivers? It went over their heads.
22. What blows at 100mph and always scores? A Harrykane!
23. Where do football players dance? At a foot ball!
24. What did the average Patriot player get on the Wonderlic test? Drool.
25. What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common? Both do hat-tricks!
26. Why is a football crowd learning to sing like a person opening a tin of sardines? They both have trouble with the key!
27. What kind of tea do football players drink? Penaltea.
28. What do Nebraska and marijuana have in common? They both get smoked in a bowl.
29. Who’s the most dangerous footballer? Eden Hazard!
30. Where do football players go when they need a new uniform? New Jersey.
31. For what reason are Seattle Seahawks players claiming to have the Swine Flu? So they don’t have to touch the pigskin!
32. What is a ghost’s favorite football position? Ghoulkeeper!
33. What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack? Beans on post!
34. Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team? They needed a little team spirit.
35. What do you call a mass gathering of Raiders’ fans? Prison.
36. Why are Man City better than Everton? They have twice as much Silva!
37. Who scored the most goals in the Greek Mythology League? The centaur forward!
38. Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!
39. Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a boxer.
40. What do they call a drug ring in Baltimore? A huddle
41. What’s really healthy and scores a lot of goals? Fruit Salah!
42. Who was the sheep’s favourite footballer? Paul PogBAAA!
43. Why should you avoid playing football against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!
44. Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game? He was hoping for a draw!
45. What do football players do when they get overheated? They get closer to some of the fans.
46. Where do you go to Chicago in case of a tornado? Soldier Field – they never get a touchdown there!
47. What did the bumble bee say after he scored a goal? Hive scored!
48. How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!
49. How many San Francisco 49er’s fans would be required to change a light bulb? None. Lava lamps don’t burn out!
50. What do you call a Frenchman playing on a Nintendo Console? Thierry on Wii.
51. Why are the Italians so good at football? Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
52. Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at mid-field? He was trying to make ends meet
53. Why doesn’t Toledo have a professional football team? Because then, Cincinnati would want one.
54. Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!
55. What did the football say to the punter? I get a kick out of you.
56. Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!
57. What did the wild receiver say to the football? Catch you later.
58. Why are centipedes not allowed to play on bug football teams? It takes too long to put their cleats on
59. What do you call a genius sitting in the Texas A&M student section? A Visitor.
60. Why was the football player upset on their birthday? They got a red card!
61. What do you call someone who stands in between goalposts and stops the ball? Annette!
62. Why do Corn Husker football players like smart women? Opposite attract.
63. What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded? He sent on his subs!
64. How is a football referee like an angry chicken? They both have fowl mouths.
65. Why don’t the Chicago Bears have a website? They can’t put three W’s together.
66. Why do football players always succeed in school? They know how to use their heads!
67. Which football game do cats like to watch? The Goldfish Bowl.
68. A drug ring in Baltimore is called what? A Huddle.
69. What ship holds 20 football teams but only three leave it each season? The Premier-ship!
70. When should football players wear armor? When they play knight games.
71. Why do ducks fly over Ford Field upside down? There’s nothing worth crapping on!
72. Which part of the football pitch smells the best? The ‘scenter’ spot!
73. What do centers wear on their feet? Hiking shoes.
74. Why did the football quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around!
75. A Raiders fan and a bottle of beer have what in common? Both are empty from the neck up.
76. Why doesn’t anybody build football stadiums in outer space? Because there’s no atmosphere!
77. What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!
78. Why are football players like babies? They both dribble!
79. Why are footballers like babies? They both dribble!
80. Why did the footballer hold their boot to their ear? Because they like sole music!
81. Which state should the Tampa Bay Buccaneers move to? Arrrrrrrrrkansas.
82. What runs along the edge of the pitch during a football game but never moves? The sideline!
83. Why do pigeons fly over Ford field upside down? There is nothing worth crapping on.
84. Why did the football pitch end up as a triangle? Somebody took a corner!
85. What do you call an offensive tackle’s son? A chip off the old blocker.
86. Why did the footballer take a length of rope on the pitch? They were the skipper!
87. Why did Ebenezer Scrooge end up with the football? Because the ghost of Christmas passed!
88. How do football players keep cool during a match? They stand near the fans!
89. Which two football teams played in the pirate Superbowl? The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.
90. A car contains a cowboy’s running back, a cowboy’s linebacker, and a Dallas cowboy’s defensive back who is driving the car? The cop.
91. Who is the slipperiest footballer on the planet? Antoine Grease-man.
92. Which soccer team has nailed their formation? The Hammers.
93. Why did the football quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around!
94. Where do old quarterbacks go when they retire? Out to pass-ture.
95. What did NASA use when they built a football pitch on the moon? AstroTurf!
96. Which NFL team has the coolest helmets? The one with the most fans.
97. What’s the worst thing that can happen to a football player? To have no goal in life.
98. What happens to football players who go blind? They become referees.
99. Why don’t fish play football? They’re scared of nets!
100. Why did the football player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
101. Why do footballers struggle to eat sandwiches? They think they can’t use their hands!
102. When you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders together, what do you have? A full set of teeth.
103. What’s the chilliest football ground? Cold Trafford!
104. What do orphans and England’s football fans have in common? Neither are going home.
105. Are lightning bolts good at football? No, they’re shocking!
106. Why did the footballer hold their boot to their ear? Because they liked sole music!
107. Why couldn’t the car play football? It only had one boot!
108. Where do hungry football players play? In the Supper Bowl.
109. Why couldn’t the all-star football player listen to music? Because he broke all the records.
110. What are the three longest years of a Mizzou football player’s life? His freshman year.
111. What’s the difference between Maddie McCann and the England football team? Only one of them is coming home.
112. What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership? Cold Trafford!
113. What do you call a lineman’s kid? A chip off the old blocker.
114. Which team always start the match with a bang? The Gunners!
115. What do you get when you cross a quarterback with a carpet? A throw rug.
116. What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The sideline!
117. A boat full of polite football players is called what? A good sportsman ship.
118. Which team is the chewiest? The Toffees!
119. Which insect doesn’t play well in football? The fumble bee.
120. Why did the surfer go to the football game? He wanted to practice the wave.
121. Who is the leader of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Captain Hook!
122. What do you call it when a football player suffers an injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony
123. How do you set fire to a football stadium? With a match.
124. Which player is the easiest target to hit with the football? The wide receiver.
125. Who are the happiest people at the football game? The cheerleaders.
126. Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!
127. What do biology majors wear on their heads when playing football? Helminth.
128. Where is a ghost’s favorite spot on a football field? Under the ghoul posts!

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