One Liner Jokes

One Liner jokes are the perfect way to lighten up a conversation and get some laughs. They’re short, sweet, and often times very clever! Here we have compiled a list of over 200 one liner jokes that will surely tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re looking for something silly or witty, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. So, without further ado, let’s get started!

I’m afraid of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
I wanted to take a bath, but then decided to leave it where it is.
I’d tell you a pizza joke, but it’s probably too cheesy.
I try not to tell dad jokes, but when I do, he thinks they’re funny.
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
My mom asked me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
I once read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.
Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.
I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.
Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
Why don’t people play more hide-and-seek? Because good players are hard to find.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
My math teacher called me average. She’s so mean!
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” — Demetri Martin
Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” — Les Dawson
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.
When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.
“One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.She said I won’t be able to make it.
When you can’t say ‘let’s just forget the whole thing’, you know crisis level has been reached.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
‘You all worked really hard this year, I’m giving you all a check for $2,000. If you work the same next year, I’ll sign them’
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.
When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.

Thousands More Jokes For Any Occasion

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