120+ Hysterical Coffee Jokes

Do you like coffee? Do you like jokes? If so, then you’re going to love this blog post! In it, we’ve collected a huge list of coffee jokes for your enjoyment. We hope you laugh as hard as we did!

All the best COFFEE Jokes

1. What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
2. What’s the best Beatles song? Latte Be!
3. Why do they call coffee mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
4. How are coffee beans like kids? They’re always getting grounded!
5. How does a tech guy drink coffee? He installs Java!
6. Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they know how to espresso themselves.
7. What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? Mugging!
8. Where do birds go for coffee? To the NESTcafe
9. What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.
10. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
11. How does Moses make his coffee? He brews.
12. How are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
13. What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work? Break fluid
14. What did the barista’s Valentine say? I can’t espresso my love for you.
15. What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee? “What’s Sumatra with you?”
16. Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso? It’s a cheap shot.
17. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before? Déjà brew
18. Why did the espresso keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
19. Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company? It can make for a strong and heated debate.
20. What’s a coffee’s favorite spell? Espresso Patronum!
21. Did you hear about the cow that gave birth? It was de-calf-inated.
22. How is divorce like an Espresso? It’s expensive and bitter.
23. What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
24. Why did the kangaroo stop drinking his cup of coffee? It made him too jumpy.
25. What did the coffee say to their date? Hey there, hot stuff!
26. What do gossiping pots do? Spill the beans.
27. What did the two coffee enthusiasts say when they got married? We’re meant to bean together!
28. What is a bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving? Roast.
29. What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind!
30. What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next together? A happy cup-ple.
31. What did the coffees say before their night out? Let’s stir up some trouble!
32. Why did it take the bean so long to do its homework? Because it was procaffeinating.
33. What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy!
34. How do cups greet each other? With mugs and kisses
35. What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
36. What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never!
37. Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
38. Why did the coffee shop close for the day? Because a storm was brewing.
39. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw.
40. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee; I have a problem without it!
41. What do you call it when a coffee joke is so funny that it causes an uproar? A brew-haha.
42. Who did Han Solo owe coffee to? Java the Hut.
43. How does a coffee snob take their coffee? Seriously. Very seriously.
44. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? I asked for a coffee.
45. What does specialty coffee have in common with Eric Clapton? Both are good without cream.
46. What did the coffee lover name her son? Joe, obviously.
47. How does the serial killer like his coffee? How he likes his victims—all ground up.
48. Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
49. What did the caffeine addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.
50. What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you? I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
51. Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee? Because according to the Torah, He Brews!
52. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee? You channel surf faster without the remote.
53. Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
54. How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage? One person thinks it’s grounds for divorce.
55. What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee? Java the Hut!
56. A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer. It was instant.
57. I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee… Safe tea first, though.
58. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
59. I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker. It has a lot of perks.
60. Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
61. A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go. The coffee gets up and leaves.
62. What do you call the first level of a coffee factory? The ground floor.
63. Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup? He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
64. What currency can we use to buy coffee in space? S T A R B U C K S.
65. How do you make Pig Jerky? Give them some coffee.
66. What’s its favorite Bob Marley song? Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.
67. Why do I not like hot drinks? It’s just not my cup of tea.
68. How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
69. Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee? Because they have Italian titles for everything!
70. What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore? Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
71. How is coffee better than a woman? It goes down way easier.
72. What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common? They’re only good if they’re rich!
73. What did the cup of coffee say when she didn’t make it on time? Sorry I’m latte
74. What did the Italian guy say when he was teased? Don’t mocha me!
75. What did the mommy coffee bean say to the naughty little coffee bean? You’re grounded!
76. Why did the cup of coffee lift the milk jug? That was strong coffee
77. Why can’t cups of coffee go to Hogwarts? They’re muggles
78. What did the mommy coffee bean say when the naughty little coffee bean came home late? Where have you bean?
79. What did the bored coffee drinker say? Bean there, done that
80. What do brave coffee grounds do? They take the plunger
81. What do cups of coffee say when they see a friend? How are you doing percolately?
82. What are coffee websites coded in? JavaScript
83. Where do bad cups of coffee go when they die? To perca-tory
84. Why did the cup of coffee always complain? He was just bitter
85. What do you call coffee with sunglasses and tattoos? Cool beans
86. What do you call it when you drop your coffee mug? A coffee break
87. What did the coffee say to the boiling water? We’ll kettle this in court
88. Why was the instant cup of coffee so rude? He had no filter
89. What did the excited cup of coffee say to the coffee drinker? Pour some sugar on me, baby!
90. Why was the cup of coffee top of the class? She was a beverage
91. Why couldn’t the woman throw her coffee plunger away? It had sedimental value
92. How should you react when a place has bottomless coffee? With bottomless thanks
93. Why should you never make fun of a barista? They will roast you
94. What do coffee-loving councilors tell the patients in rehab? Choose mugs not drugs
95. What do you call it when you put off drinking coffee until tomorrow? Procaffeinating
96. What do baristas prefer? Brewnettes
97. What do waiters who don’t bring the coffee quickly enough get Lukewarm applause
98. How do you get enough coffee for a cup? By any beans necessary!
99. What do South Africans drink in the morning? A cup of Johannesburg
100. I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi. It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier. 
101. Why don’t snakes drink coffee? Because it makes them viperactive.
102. What is the last thing Batman will drink in the morning? A cup of Joker
103. How did Russian emperors pay for their coffee? Tsarbucks
104. What do you call it when you accidentally put Vietnamese noodles in a coffee mug instead of a bowl? A pho cup.
105. What do you call a coffee with an old friend? A catchupino.
106. What is a shark attack survivor’s favorite coffee? Half-caf. I’ll see myself out.
107. What’s the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee? One’s an Aristocrat, The other’s a Barista-Cat
108. What happens when you accidentally pour coffee in your Ryzen Processor? You get a Coffee Lake
109. How do metal heads drink their coffee? With Meshuggah.
110. What should a father say to his daughter every day? You’re brewtiful.
111. When do mechanics drink coffee? When they are on a brake…
112. What type of coffee do vampires drink? Decoffinated.
113. Why did the coffee quit playing sports? It always got creamed.
114. What are cows so sleepy? They only drink De-calf-inated coffee.
115. I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.
116. A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
117. Who is Al Pacino’s coffee-loving brother? Cap…
118. “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.” “Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
119. The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people’s coffee. 
120. I didn’t choose the mug life, the mug life chose me.
121. Coffee is the silent victim in our house… It gets mugged every day.
122. There is a time and a place for decaf coffee… Never, and in the trash.
123. What did one lover say to another in the morning I made a pot of coffee, espresso-ly for you.
124. What shape is usually waiting for you at the coffee shop? A line.
125. What’s the difference between a kid in a time out, and some coffee? One is naughty, the other is not tea.
126. What do you call a layoff notice served in a bag of coffee? Grounds for termination.
127. Does anyone remember the name of that Italian dessert with espresso poured over gelato? Because of affogato.

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